Shuhei Hisagi Against The World
by Firefx56
Summary: Shuhei Hisagi gets no respect. Of course, he's gonna try to make his name known, and maybe get a little respect from the other leaders of the Soul Society . Just a little. Hopefully. If he's lucky. Maybe a grand adventure will help? UPDATE:NEW CHAPTER
1. In which Hisagi Starts His Journey

Chapter 1

Shuhei Hisagi was not a happy camper.

For several months now after the betrayal of Aizen, Gin, and his Captain Tosen, he had been stuck with all of the paper work.

Hours and hours of the fiendish stuff- he was beginning to see it in his dreams. The worst part of it was, as a vice captain, he didn't get any credit. In fact, he was starting to think that Captain Yamamoto had gone senile, addressing him, Renji, a shrub, several walls, and a large dog all as 'Captain Tosen' as he passed them in the Seireitei.

Hisagi sighed. It wasn't the lack of credit that got him down. Nor was it the fact that noone seemed to know or care of the trials he was facing. No, what bothered him most of all was the assistant he'd been given to complete this momentous task. "Hey, Shuhei!" Ikkaku called from across the hall. "What color are those red files you asked me to find?"

Hisagi rubbed his fingers across his forehead, momentarily considering sepukku. It would be a quick, honorable way to die...no. He must stand strong in the face of adversity. "Red, Ikkaku."

A large crash could be heard from the storage room. "Hey, Shuhei, was that painting valuable?"

"For god's sake, man, get me the freaking red file!"

"Alright, I know the perfect way to find it. Grow, Hozukimaru!"

Hisagi froze, then shook his head. No, not even Ikkaku would be that stupid. He had probably just said "I found it!" or something of the sort, and his own fevered brain had merely twisted it so he just thought that Ikkaku had done the stupidest thing imaginable. Just to make sure, however, he walked over to the storage closet and opened the door.

Ikkaku stood panting and heaving inside, his robe ripped to shreds. Multiple lacerations criss-crossed his body, and his spear hung broken in one hand. Next to him lay the remains of what appeared to be a file cabinet. He flashed Hisagi a quick grin. "I got him, Shuhei. He put up a great fight, refusing to give in, but I managed to use my Bankai to finish him off."

Hisagi's legs gave way. "Ikkaku...

"Yes?"

"Please tell me you did not just get in a duel with that file cabinet. Please."

Ikkaku shrugged. "I got the file." He held up a large, bloodstained piece of paper.

"Ikkaku, I think you need to clean this up."

"Nah, I'm good."

"What was that about your Bankai?"

"And suddenly I have a burning desire to clean this up!" Ikkaku said snappily, beginning to pick up the files strewn across the room.

Suddenly, the bell at the front of the division headquarters rang. Frowning, Hisagi walked up to find Vice-Captain Omaeda burst into his office. "Oh, Fatass, it's you. What are you doing here?"

"Where's the cake?" Omeada asked him, his eyes beginning to dart around rapidly.

Hisagi groaned. "I know I'm going to regret asking this, but... what cake?"

Omeada begin to dig through his desk in an apparent attempt to find the cake. "Captain Soi Fon told me if I flashed-stepped here in fifteen minutes, you had some cake waiting for me."

Hisagi shooed him away. "Look, Fatass, it's been a tough day already and you're making it worse. I don't have any cake. What I do have is a sudden, burning desire for a medal, recognition, a parade, Shuhei Hisagi Day, that sort of thing. But I don't have cake, and you don't have that. So why don't you just run along before Ikkaku sees you."

"Hey! Look who's here!" a voice said behind him.

Hisagi sighed. "Too late."

Ikkaku began to circle Omeada. "You're looking good, Fatass. How about a duel?

Omeada backed up. "E-easy, Ikkaku."

"Our battle shall be one for the ages!" Ikkuaku proclaimed, holding out his hand as lightning flashed behind him. It was all very _Star Wars_.

Or _Kung Fu Panda_.

Hisagi put a hand on Ikkaku's shoulder. "Look, Ikkaku, I think Ichigo Kurosaki wants a rematch. In fact, go open up a door to the living and-"

Ikkaku was gone so fast, there was a boom as air rushed to fill the space he left.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Omeada asked nervously. "I mean, what if he kills Kurosaki"

Hisagi slowly shook his head, patting Omeada on the shoulder. "Poor, deluded Fatass. Of course that can't happen. You see, I've recently discovered a new law of physics. I call it, The Hisagi Principle. Do I get any recognition? No. A Nobel Prize? No. A girlfriend?. No."

Omaeda scratched his head. "What's the principle mean?"

Hisagi pulled out a blackboard from some handy cranny. "If you divide the square root of x, with x being Ichigo and his friends, by the exponential hypotenuse of y, the soul society, square it by Coulomb's Constant, and add the total works of Tite Kubo, you'll find that Ichigo cannot be killed. The very universe will protect him, and, in fact, if he does get killed, he'll come back to life even stronger."

"So, what does that mean?"

Hundreds of miles away, in the land of the living, Ikkaku Madarame spotted Ichigo eating lunch with his friends. Summoning his spear in a second, he charged Ichigo in a Banzai death cry, ignoring Ichigo was still in his human body. Death seemed certain for the orange-haired hero, until a large chiffarobe, complete with mirror, dropped out of the sky and landed on Ikkaku, crushing him.

Ichigo swallowed a bite of his sandwich and turned around. "Hey, did you guys hear something?"

"Ooooh, pretty!" Orohime squealed and ran to stare at the chiffarobe.

"What's that?" Ichigo asked Uryuu.

"It's a large chiffarobe, kind of like a old-time dresser." the bespectacled teen replied. "I wonder how it got there."

Ikkaku gave a wheeze from underneath the chiffarobe.

Back in Soul Society, Hisagi had a brain wave. "Omaeda! I have an idea!"

"Is it about cake?"

"No, Fatass!" Hisagi ran to his chalkboard and began scribbling new signs and equations on it. "If I could identify the reason behind the Hisagi Principle, I would be famous! Imagine creating an army of super-soldiers, all as ridiculously powerful as Ichigo! Aizen wouldn't stand a chance!"

He turned to Omeada. "Get me Captain Yamamoto."

"B-but I'm not your vice-capta-"

"Want some cake?"

Omeada broke all known sprinting records running to first division headquarters.

* * *

Captain-General Yamamoto surged into the Ninth Division with all the authority his rank could give, followed by Omaeda. "Well, Captain Tosen! What do you need my assistance in?"

Hisagi tapped Yamamoto on the shoulder. "Sir, that's a desk you're addressing. Captain Tosen defected along with Aizen."

Yamamoto's great brow wrinkled. "Who is this Aizen you speak of, Tosen?"

Hisagi slapped his head. "Sir, did you remember your pills Captain Unohana gave you?"

"Of course not. They were clearly an attempt to poison me by Aizen."

"Right. Okay then." Hisagi said, speaking very slowly, as one would to a small child. "We would like a task force to investigate why Ichigo Kurosaki can't die. Success would lead to glory and victory over Aizen."

"Aizen?"

For the second time that day, Hisagi considered drawing Kazeshini and impaling himself.

"_Go on, it will be quick. Your blood will run like a river. A delicious, delicious river."_ Kazeshini encouraged.

Hiruto looked at his sword with shock. "Oooo-kay. Guess there's a first time for everything... such as discovering my own sword is homicidal. By the way, what would happen to you if I died, and you somehow escaped the zanpakuto?"

"_A filler arc_ ."

"...Huh. Well, General, what do you say?"

Yamamoto, ignoring the fact that Hisagi had been talking to an inanimate object, replied "Of course, Tosen. You have been a trusted friend for centuries. Take Kurotachi with you, this is right up his alley."

Hisagi nodded his thanks. "Wait here, Fatass, I'm going to retrieve Kurotachi."

He quickly flash-stepped to the twelfth-division office, and found Mayuri dissecting something in the lab.

Or should I say, someone.

Wearing a slightly disgusted expression, Hisagi tapped Mayuri on the shoulder. "Um, captain? Why are you dissecting Hanatarou?"

Taking of his lab glasses, Mayuri turned around and shrugged. "I had nothing better to do."

Hisagi could feel Kazeshini shudder. "_Ewww, gross! Look what he did to his ribs_!" The sword vibrated towards the table, where a plate of baby back ribs were covered in duck sauce. "_Oh, and I think the mutchkin's getting away"._

True to Kazeshini's words, Hanatarou had managed to wiggle of the table and stab him self with his zanpakuto, healing his wounds. He then quickly ran away screaming.

Mayuri sighed. "They always run. So, what can I help you with?"

Hisagi handed him a report he had commissioned. After scanning it, the evil scientist nodded. "Alright, capture's the easy part- wait, did you want him alive or dead?"

"Alive."

"Ok, good. All we need is some event that requires heroism, and Ichigo will come."

Hisagi looked confused. "That's not going to work."

Mayuri grinned. "Tell your subordinates to bring me a small animal.'

After Ikkaku had gotten his bones fixed, he and Omaeda managed to capture a bunny and bring it to the twelfth division.

Unfortunately, Ikkaku had challaged it to a duel first. He staggered into the room clutching the remains of his spear, his robe torn off and deep wounds throughout his body. He was also missing an arm.

Mayuri raised an eyebrow. "How did a bunny cut your arm off?"

"Just bring me a new one!" Ikkaku snarled.

After Ikkaku's second trip to the emergency room of the day, Mayuri strapped the bunny to his dissection board. "Oh, isn't there anyone around to save this bunny?"

With a cry of "Bwa ha ha!", Don Kanoji busted through the wall, staff held ready.

After Kanoji was strapped in place to the board, Mayuri held the scalpel close to Kanoji's throat. "Oh, isn't there anyone around to save this.. odd looking carney thing?'

This time, Ichigo busted through the wall, giant cleaver at the ready. "As long as justice is here, Mayuri, evil will never win!"

Hisagi looked at the wall. "You know, you could have just jumped through the hole that weird guy made... or used the front door. Either would have worked."

Ichigo raised his sword above his head. Sparks of blue light gathered along it, as he held that pose, waiting to unleash holy vengeance on the evildoers. And held it. And held it. Mayuri took the opportunity to strap him to a handy restraining table. "Does anyone want some tea while we're waiting?"

Omaeda raised his hand.

After about twenty minutes, Ichigo finally finished posing and attempted to launch the Gesuga Tenshou. Unfortunately, this is hard to do when vertically strapped to a sturdy board, and the only effect it had was to knock Zangetsu from his grasp.

"Impressive, Mayuri" Hisagi commented. "Now, let's begin the experiment."

He walked up to the struggling Ichigo. "This might hurt a little, but it's for the greater good. Ikkaku." He nodded to the third seat. "Stab him."

Ikkaku looked unhappy. "Come on, man. Ichigo's my buddy."

"He'll be fine... probably."

Ikkaku looked down. "Sorry about this, Ichigo." He sent his sword whistling towards Ichigo's arm.

Two crashes occurred, almost simultaneously. The first one was a large chiffarobe crashing through the roof of the division. The second was it crashing into Ikkaku.

Hisagi smiled proudly. "The Hisagi Principle at work. You're up, Fatass."

Omaeda shook his head. "No way, man."

"Now, Fatass, or I swear I will get every sweet in the Soul Society and eat it. While. You. Watch."

Omaeda nodded nervously, and was about to drive his sword into Ichigo when a large chocolate cake suddenly appeared out of nowhere on the table next to him.

Before anyone could stop him, Omaeda dove onto the cake.

Mayuri stroked his chin. "Fascinating. It almost appears as if the universe itself protecting him from harm. Let me give this a shot."

He was about to sink his scalpel into Ichigo when two more large crashes occurred. Stepping back, he was able to dodge the chiffarobe. However, he was sent flying by Renji Abari, who had been launched through the wall directly at him.

Hisagi's jaw dropped. "My god... if we could figure out HOW this is happening, Aizen would be dead in an instant..." He walked over to Ichigo. "How are you doing that?"

Ichigo shrugged. "Doing what?"

Hisagi sighed. Walking over to Renji, he shook him. "Renji. How did you get here?"

Renji looked confused. "You know, I don't really know."

Hisagi dropped him, and strode over to Mayuri. "Any ideas on how to measure this phenomenon?"

Mayuri nodded. "Yes, we need to place him in some kind of closed environment, where he can be observed and monitored. I've got a virtual reality system, that should do the trick.

"But how do we get him into it? All attempts to hurt him are nullified, right?"

Mayuri sifted through the rubble until he found a decent sized rock. Weighing it in his hands, he turned and suddenly threw it at Ichigo's head, knocking him clean out.

"But..but.. The Hisagi Principle..." Hisagi gasped.

" A good, strong rock beats logic every time." Mayuri replied.

"B-But-"

"Evil scientist. Win."

After putting Ichigo in the Virtual Reality room, Hisagi and Mayuri selected a scenario.

"It's got to be something to due with Aizen..."

"And plausible."

"Maybe one of his friends in danger, to heighten tension?"

"Not bad, Hisagi. I see a lot of evil scientist potential in you."

"Umm..thanks?"

Mayuri brushed it off. "No problem it all." He selected the scenario, and pushed the start button.

Several hours later, Ichigo woke up. His head hurt and he was bleary, but he was back in his own bed.

Suddenly, the door burst open, and Chad burst in. "Ichigo, wake up! Aizen's captured Orohime, and taken her to Hueco Mundo!"

* * *

AN: Hello, all! Firefx56 here. I've wanted to write a bleach story for a while now, so, here I go. If you like it, even a little bit, reviews are great, and constructive critism is always nice. We've got a long, bumpy ride ahead of us, so grab a healthy snack, chug some soda, and strap yourself in. And so we go.-_Firefox56_


	2. In which Events Occur

Chapter 2

Ichigo woke up, gasping and panting, only to find he was not about to hit Aizen with a Getsuga Tenshou. Nor was he defeating Grimjow, rescuing Orohime, or getting his ass kicked by Ulquiorra. No, he was strapped to a table in Mayuri's lab in the Seiterei.

The door opened with a hiss, and Hisagi walked in. "Congratulations, Ichigo. You did very well."

"Huh..What...Who?" babbled Ichigo. "You mean that wasn't real?"

Mayuri, walking in next to Ichigo, gave a condescending laugh. "Of course not! That would be ridiculous. Your friend having time control, the hollow transformation, Chad not actually being useless... no, those events could never happen in real life."

Ichigo gave a hollow laugh. "Yeah, the idea of ten-super shinigami hollows does seem pretty stupid."

Almost the exact same moment he said this, ignoring all laws of conceivable physics in the Bleach universe, a gargantua opened right next to Ichigo, and a Arrancar looking suspiciously like Ulquiorra jumped though, pulled Ichigo in, and jumped back.

Hisagi froze in place. "Mayuri?"

"Yes, Vice-Captain Hisagi?"

"Did the Ulquiorra character you created, for the sole purpose of the simulation, in order to test Ichigo's odd abilities, just pop through a wormhole and kidnap my source of glory?"

"Yes, Vice-Captain Hisagi."

"_Wow."_ Kazeshini muttered. _"That's one hell of a coincidence."_

Mayuri figeted. "Well, I suppose that it might be possible, that maybe I based the simulation on intel the 2nd division had gathered. And also? Aizen might have been able to find out through his mind slave over there." He jerked a finger at Momo, who had wandered in sometime during the process and was hugging a stuffed doll of Aizen and a radio with the helpful titling, 'Mind-slave's link to Master Aizen'.

Hisagi turned around. "Omayada, why didn't you tell me she was here?"

Omayada, however, was no longer there. In his place lay a note.

_Gone to get snack. Will be back in several chapters._

_Vice Captain Omayada_

Hisagi sighed. "Well, Ikkaku, looks like it's up to you."

Ikkaku managed to crawl out from under the partially smashed chiffarobe. "Beg pardon?"

"You're going to infiltrate Hueco Mundo in order to rescue Ichigo Kurosaki from the clutches of the Hollows. God alone knows what they're doing to him..."

* * *

In Hueco Mundo, Ichigo was unceremoniously strapped to a board in Syazel Apporo Grantz's lab. He futility struggled with the straps, but could not budge them. As one of his foes entered the room however, his snarl of defiance died in his throat. "Ulquiorra?"

The hollow showed about as much suprise as he could. "You know of me, soul reaper?"

Ichigo nodded frantically. "I killed you, Ulquiorra! You kidnaped my friend Orohime, so I infiltrated one of the most deadliest places in the universe armed only with a sword, a nerd, and a gorilla, and defeated you after you killed me!"

Ulquiora stared at him. "Amazing. Syazel, this Soul Reaper appears to be on the mind altering substance known as 'crack.'"

Syazel Apporo Grantz entered the room, with Grimjow trailing behind. "I suppose it's possible that his great powers have destroyed his mind...or maybe he had no mind to begin with. I suppose we'll have to dissect him." He pointed at Ichigo, who was engaged in a long, thrilling tale of one teenager's exploits against the most dangerous supernatural creatures in existence. "Grimjow. Stab him."

Grimjow pulled out his sword, a feral grin appearing on his face. "You don't have to tell me twice." He pulled out his sword and walked toward Ichigo, clearly intending to stab him. Suddenly, two crashes occurred, almost simultaneously . The first one was Yammy Rialgo crashing through the ceiling, and the second was him crushing Grimjow into the floor.

Ulquiora breathed deeply. "Yammy."

Yammy looked around, seeming to notice where he was for the first time. "Oh! Hey Ulquiorra, what's up?"

"Yammy. You're sitting on the aspect of destruction."

A muffled gurgling could be heard from underneath Yammy. He turned red. "Sorry, guys. I had Mexican souls last night."

Ulquiora sat down on the floor. "God, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You know what, Yammy?"

"What? You got an assignment for me?"

"Yes, Yammy. Go jump off the top of Hueco Mundo."

Yammy looked confused. "But won't I, you know, die?"

"No, Yammy. You can fly."

Yammy jumped up, freeing Grimjow. "Really?"

Ulquiorra nodded. "Really, Yammy. Good luck."

"Alright, I'm off!" Yammy snapped a clumsy salute and ran out of the room, presumably to find a cliff to jump off of. Or food. You never really knew with Yammy.

Ulquiorra sighed, turning back to the task at hand. "Okay, Grimjow, you wanna try again?"

Grimjow nodded. "I got a lot more anger to take out on this soul reaper." He ran towards Ichigo, his sword extended, ready to slice into Ichigo's flesh.

Naruto Uzumaki, in full one-tailed demon fox mode, was sent flying into Grimjow, sending him flying into a wall. "Damn you, Uchiha!" he yelled, shaking a fist at the direction he flew from before diving back through the hole in the wall.

"I thought so." Syazel said, nodding wisely.

Ulquiorra turned to him, his left eye twitching. "What, that we can't seem to damage this soul reaper in any way? We need some way of harvesting his hollow powers."

"No, the classic crossover gag. The author is clearly running out of ideas for this story, as he meant it to be a stupid project just to blow off steam, but is now resorting to cheap gags as he gets further into this hackneyed plot. I wonder what tired gag he will use next? "

* * *

3 miles away, outside the fortress, Ikkuaku Madarame skidded to a stop. "I'm coming for you, Aizen!" He then noticed a small, hollow-like lizard staring at him. "What, you wanna go! I'll massacre you!"

The lizard flicked it's tongue in and out, which only served to further infuriate Ikkaku. "That's it! BAN-KAI!"

* * *

Back in Soul Society, Hisagi had started pacing, while Mayuri took the free time to dissect another victim. "Hisagi, while you're pacing, pass me that power drill, will you?"

"OH GOD, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S MERCIFUL, END ME! PLEASE!"

Mayuri applied some local anaesthetic. "Quiet, you." He turned to Hisagi, wiping his hands on a towel. "Well, what are we going to do?"

Hisagi rubbed his chin. "Well, we've sent Ikkaku to Hueco Mundo to retrieve Kurosaki. What are his chances of survival?"

Mayuri did some calculations. ".0000003%. Rounding up."

"So, I have to find some other way to make my name."

"_You could just slaughter some orphans. That usually gets your name around."_ Kazeshini suggested.

Hisagi shook his head. "Don't be stupid, Kazeshini. Now, look. Ever since the Captain left, it's been boring as hell around here. Now, I've been trying my best to uphold the ideals of justice and righteousness around here, but all I do is fill out paperwork. There's gotta be something I can do that will both get me a little respect, and restore the proud name of my division."

"You could challenge Kenpachi to a duel." Mayuri replied.

Hisagi shook his head. " What does that have to do with justice?"

"You could go get some research subjects for me to experiment on. My birthday's coming up, you know."

Hisagi began to rub his temples. "My god, isn't there some adventure I can go on? God knows it happens to Ichigo all the time. The little prick can't even open a door without discovering some fiendish plot behind it to destroy the known universe."

"You could try that door." Mayuri suggested, pointing to a innocent- looking closet door nearby.

Shrugging, Hisagi walked over and opened it, then jumped back in shock.

Sprawled inside, clutching a half-empty bottle of sake, was Shunsei Kyoraku. He was snoring loudly, and was wearing nothing but a black bikini.

Hisagi rushed over to the corner, and was violently sick for several minutes.

He then returned, and began prodding Shunsei with a stick. The almost nude-captain began to giggle. "Oh, Nanao, that tickles...why yes, I am very manly. Thank you for noticing."

Mayuri sighed. "Please allow me to take care of this." He walked over, and delivered a swift kick to the slumbering captain's ribs.

Shunsei bolted up, reaching for his sword, only to discover it missing. He eyed Hisagi and Mayuri, then looked at himself. A look of dawning horror spread across his face. "RAPE! RAPE! HELP, I'M BEING MOLESTED BY A CLOWN AND A EMO!"

Mayuri delivered another sharp kick. "Shut up, you drunk. Why are you in my closet?"

"Why are YOU two trying to rape me? Don't get me wrong, I see why you might be tempted, considering my incredible... gifts, but I'm into women. Not clowns. Women."

Hisagi rubbed his forehead. It felt like a drumroll was being played inside his skull. "What would it take for you to realize I'm not trying to rape you?"

A silly smile spread across the captain's face. "Well, I do need a favor..."

"What?"

"Oh, you'll see. But if you do it, I won't go telling anyone about your sexualities." Shunsei said, tugging on the band of the bikini. "Man, I look good in this."

With a moan, Hisagi nodded. "What do you want me to do?"

* * *

"A small favor, he says," Hisagi muttered. " A small favor is cleaning a garage, or deliveing a message. A small favor is NOT searching one of the most dangerous places in any dimension for a couple bottles of sake."

The vice captain was currently in the Dangai Precipice World, which to soul reapers used to travel to and from the human world. A hell butterfly was fluttering nearby, keeping a watchful eye out for the cleaner.

Hisagi rubbed his back gingerly. Shunsei had apparently lost several bottles of 'ultra super special powerful drunken sake' while he had been on a mission to the human world, and tasked Hisagi to go retrieve it.

Mayuri had backed out, claiming his insurance wouldn't cover it, whatever that meant.

Casting his gaze over the odd-looking ground, Hisagi reluctantly concluded that he wasn't going to find it. He had been looking for several hour, and all he found was a odd-looking dagger, which he toyed with briefly before putting it in a handy pocket.

"Alright, butterfly, let's go." he told the Hell butterfly, walking towards the entrance to the Soul society.

Suddenly, a huge crash resounded across the Dangai. A gargantua opened up and Yammy fell though, screaming like a manic. He hit the ground hard, and sat up, slowly rubbing his head. "Owww... weird, I really thought I was going to fly for a second."

Hisagi quickly drew his sword, while pressing a convenient panic button on his shoulder. "Reap, Kazeshini!"

Kazeshini shimmered, then grew into two long scythes, connected by a chain. _"What's up, boss?"_

Hisagi stared Yammy down grimly. "One of the espada, Yammy, has somehow managed to make it near Soul-Society. We have to hold him off until back-up arrives."

Kazeshini stretched itself, the links in it's chain sparking and popping._"Heh. Stupid ones are easy to kill. Finally, a chance to taste some blood!"_

The vice captain threw the scythe as hard as he could at Yammy. It shone with a fierce, hard light as it spun into Yammy, absoulutly SCREAMING it's lust for carnage.

And bounced off his chest like a fly off a tiger tank. A really, really stupid tiger tank.

Yammy brushed his chest, then glanced around, not even noticing Hisagi. "Huh. Is it mosquito season already? I thought it didn't start till June." He dug underneath him, producing a bottle labeled 'Ultra Super Special Powerful Drunken Sake' (Warning, do not drink unless you are one hell of a alcoholic or have a liver of bulletproof steel). "Food? Oh good, I was just getting hungry." He tossed the entire bottle in his mouth.

Hisagi quickly retrieved Kazeshini. "Dude, you suck."

The scythe vibrated angrily. "_Your fault, emo. What kind of throw was that_?"

A loud groan from Yammy interrupted them, as the Espada swayed on his feet, then collapsed.

Hisagi stared at his sword. "Kazeshini, I love you. Seriously."

"_Have I ever mentioned I'm homophobic_?"

"No." Hisagi said, walking over to Yammy and prodding him gently. "Don't be weird, man."

A loud, rumbling laughter broke out from Yammy. He gripped the ground and stood up as Hisagi jumped away, pushing the panic button several more times.

As the espada stood, the chuckling laghter grew louder, then stopped as he began to speak. "My dear fellow, the bickering between you and your sword greatly amuses me. It is comical the relationship that you two share."

Kazeshini rustled nervously. _"My god, he's slammed out of his mind."_

Hisagi nervously back away. from the arancar. From the flush on his face, and the tipsy way he was standing, it seemed the sword was right.

Yammy advanced slowly. "Ah, a soul reaper. Tell me, my friend, where am I? I seem to remember that dolt Ulquiorra telling me I could fly, and then I woke up here."

Hisagi didn't respond, terrified out of his wits by the fact that Yammy wasn't talking about food. He pressed the panic button a few more times for good measure.

The colossal brute sighed daintily. "Very well, I suppose I had better eviscerate you and then report back to Lord Aizen before he gets peeved at me. I hope he does not punish me exces-"

He froze in mid-sentace. "Wait. I am the strongest Espada, am I not?"

Hisagi managed to focus, adjusting to the new change in hisfoe's demeanor. "A-actually, you're ten. The weakest..."

Yamy dismissed that with a delicate wave of his enormous hand. "Pah. I am actually the Cero espada...Or at least that's what Ulquiorra told me. Anyhoo, why should I be taking orders from a mere human, when with my vast intellect, I could..be eating...No! Conquering! !" He grabbed the other bottles of sake. "It seems this strange beverage drastically boots my intellect and keeps my other side at bay. I must abscond with them if I am to to take over from Aizen. Farewell, Soul reaper. I'll let you live, just this once."

Before Yammy could clamber back into the gargantua, however, a small object smacked hard agaainst his head. Blinking, the giant picked up a tube, reading. "Black guyliner? Where the devil did this come from?"

A flash of light appeared, and Kira Izuru came crashing down, sending shock waves of energy everywhere. A slight smile had appeared on his face, and his eyes were absolutely covered in mascara and guyliner.

Hisagi blinked, suprised. "YOU're my back up? God, why does my life suck so much?"

Kira sniffed, tears coming to his eyes. "D-didn't you like my entrance? I was trying to have a cool part in the plot...

Yammy grinned. "Ahh, you want a part?" He grabbed Kira. "Very well, you can be the damsel in distress." He paused to chug another bottle of sake before clambering into the gargantua. "If you want him back, soul reaper, you know where to find me."

With Kira screaming shrilly, the gargantua closed. Hisagi sank to his knees, staring numbly into space as Renji charged up, puffing rapidly. "Shuhei, I saw what happened. We have to rescue him!"

Hisagi shook his head. " No. I'm done. I try to do one simple thing- stop being a butt monkey. That's all I want. Just a little respect, a little bit of heroism. But what have I done? Nothing. You wanna know what happened during the invasion? I got my ass kicked by a fifth seat. A very, very feminine fifth seat. And now I just created a tyrant with the intelligence to rival Aizen's. So I'm just going to lay here until I die."

Renji drew himself up. "Then I'll save him!"

Hiagi gave a hollow laugh. "Really? Guess how many battles you won during the simulated invasion of Hueco mundo?"

"Twenty-four?"

"Wrong. You lost to a espada, got punched by a fat, polka-dotted hollow, lost to the same espada, had to be rescued by Mayuri of all people, then lost to Yammy."

"Oh."

Hisagi fell forward on his face, his words becoming muffled. "Why do we even need to save Kira anyway? No-one cares about him. Hell, he sucks even worse then you at fighting. He couldn't hurt a fly, let alone help us."

A million miles away, in the depths of Hueco Mundo, Avirama Redder sneezed.

Renji sighed. "Well, it's too bad. Now that Yammy's discovered a portal to a area right near the soul society, some brave soul's going to at least find a way to get in there and shut it down."

Hisagi raised his head slightly off the ground. "And...that person would be a hero?"

Renji shrugged. "I guess... he would certainly get a lot of props."

"Shut up, you're not gangster, Renji" Hisagi said, beginning to pace back and forth. He stopped, and dramatically raised a finger. "I know what I must do. Renji! Go back to the Seritei!"

"Ehh?"

"Tell the soul society what happened here today, Renji. Tell them I will stop it, and assemble a task force that I will lead to eternal victory and glory!"

"Ehh?"

"...You can fly, Renji."


	3. In Which The Plot Thickens

Chapter 3

"You've got to be freaking kidding me." Hisagi said eloquently. He glared at Renji. "Renji, when I said assemble a team, I meant one not entirely composed of meat shields!"

"Um, I object to that, Vice-Captain," Kiyone said, raising her hand. "We're not meat shields. We can help."

Hisagi leveled a glare at her. "Have you ever won a fight?"

"Well, um..."

"Have you ever been in a fight?"

"Ehh, you see..."

"Do you even know the name of your zanpakuto?"

"Of course I do!" Kiyone said indignantly. "It's Captain Ukitake!"

Hisagi looked dumbfounded. "You're kidding me."

She shook her head. "No, really. My zanpakuto's name is Captain Ukitake. Look!". Kiyone drew her sword and extended it. "Serve, Captain Ukitake!" A flash of smoke and a bang later, her sword blade was replaced with a life-size statue of Ukitake.

Even Renji realized this was a bad thing. "Does it shoot laser beams or something?"

"It has tuberculosis."

"How will that help?"

Kiyone smiled proudly. "It aids me in my preparations for taking care of the real Captain Ukitake!"

Hisagi groaned. "Great. OK, we also have Ikkaku... who is currently in a duel with that lamppost. Renji, who just plain sucks. Kiyone, who apparently exists solely for Ukitake. And, of course, you.

Yumichika looked smug. "I note how you didn't say anything about me. I assume it's because I'm perfect in every way."

Hisagi shrugged. "Actually, it's because I want to throw up every time I think about you. So goddamn metrosexual."

"_Let's kill him._" Kazeshini urged. _"He deserves it."_

Hisagi slapped his swordblade. "Please only kill the enemy."

Kazeshini leaped from it's scabbard and almost impaled Yumichika before Hisagi caught it. He pushed it back. "What the hell, man?

" _I thought he was the enemy_."

Hisagi groaned. "We've got to get you some counseling."

He was interrupted by Renji quietly clearing his throat behind him. "Umm, Vice Captain? If you're done talking to yourself, we'd kinda like to know why we're here."

Hisagi turned around and grinned sheepishly. "Oh, sorry." They were all gathered around in Hisagi's desk, in his office. Guests would normally discuss in the meeting room, but it was torn up from Ikkaku's battle against the filing cabinet. As it was, they were all very cramped.

With a snap from Hisagi, Renji pulled out a projector and a screen, and started flicking though the images. Whipping out a pointer, Hisagi began to explain. "Alright. This incredibly stupid arrancar, Yammy (A picture of Yammy eating a donut), due to circumstances beyond my control(A slide of Hisagi completely ignoring Yammy as he chugged sake), has obtained super intelligence. He has also kidnaped our resident Emo and vice captain, Kiba Izuru.(Slide of Kiba)

Now, as you all know, no one gives a damn about me. So, when we rescue him and overthrow Aizen in the process, I will finally have glory!"

"Question," Kiyone said, raising her hand again. "Why can't we just get Ukitake to do it for us?"

Hisagi sighed. "Because we can't involve anyone with a higher rank then me. They'll get all the credit. No, only me, the sole vice captain, can get the reward."

"Aren't I a vice captain?" Renji asked.

Everyone burst out laughing. "Please." Kiyone giggled. " Even Yumichika is stronger then you. You suck, dude."

Yumichika elegantly flicked his hair back over his shoulder. " Ugly words from a ugly girl. My beauty far surpasses all of you."

"What did you say?" Kiyone said angrily. "I wasn't insulting you, jackass."

"How dare you! The posterior of a donkey is a candle to my inferno!"

"Ladies, please, chill." Hisagi said. "Are you all ready to go?" He ushered them outside. "Let's get moving then. To glory!"

The group just sat there. All except Ikkaku, who was patching himself up after his victory over the lamppost. "How do we get there?" Renji asked.

Hisagi smiled triumphantly. He pulled out a little syringe, full of glowing liquid. "Mayuri whipped this up for me. It's called the DEM compound." He sighed at the confusion on the soul reaper's faces. "The Deus Ex Machina compound. It's what makes Ichigo so awesome. This is how we'll get to Hueco Mundo to rescue Kiba.

Renji still looked confused. "Eh?"

Hisagi spurted a little bit on the ground. Instantly, a gleaming doorway sprang up, helpfully titled "Door to Hueco Mundo". He grinned. "After you."

Renji sighed. "Hisagi, I thought you were supposed to be the straight man. The author clearly intends you to be the voice of reason among lunatics, and yet you're spoiling it by completely disregarding the laws of the story!"

Kiyone hid behind Hisagi. "Vice-captain, he's scaring me!"

Hisagi gently patted her on her head. "It's okay, little girl, I'll make the scary man go away." He booted Renji into the doorway. "Now, do you want a lollipop? Or maybe I can give you tickets to a Justin Beiber concert later. How does that sound?"

Kiyone stormed towards the doorway in a huff. "Don't patronize me!" She paused before leaping through. "Although, I wouldn't mind the tickets." With a flash, she was gone.

Yumichika backed away. "I think this is a bad idea. God knows what it could do to my complection!"

Ikkaku kicked him brutally through. "Stop whining, or I'll take away that new lotion you got." He quickly followed. Hisagi, after a look around, was the last one to hop through the gleaming door, which quickly vanished as his eyesight went black.

Then it went grey as he crashed face first into the sands of Hueco Mundo. Spitting up sand, Hisagi looked around. Everyone seemed to be fine, with the exception of Yumichika, who was running around like a maniac. Kiyone ran over to check on him. "Yumichika, are you okay?"

He slapped her. Hard. "Of course I'm not okay, you ugly fool! Look at my face!" He pointed to a series of small cuts and bruises on his right cheek, caused by landing on the sand. "I'm hideous!"

Kiyone, thankfully ignoring the slap, put a hand on his shoulder. "Oh, it's just a little cut, Fifth seat. It'll heal up in no time."

Yumichika broke down crying. "I-_sniff_-I no longer deserve the title of fifth seat! I'm just a fourth... A ugly, hideous fourth!

Hisagi walked up and looked at Kiyone. "Aren't you kinda a fourth?"

"With all due respect sir, shut the hell up."

"Duely noted, Kiyone." nodded Hisagi. "Alright, so we have to find some way of infiltrating Hueco Mundo. Ikkaku! You've been here. Do you know where it is, and how to get in?"

Ikkaku shook his head. "Nah. I kinda got sidetracked by this really strong lizard. No idea where to even head, or what it looks like."

Renji raised his hand. "Maybe some sympathetic officer of the hollows, formerly one of their strongest leaders but now for some unexplained reason in a state of power flux and with their memory erased will come along and latch on to one of us, leading us to Hueco Mundo and showing us abilities and knowledge a simple child couldn't possess while leading us to victory. Maybe."

Hisagi slammed him in the face, knocking him down. "You idiot, Renji. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. What are the odds of that happening?"

At that moment, a little girl poked her head out of a nearby sand dune. "Hi! My name's Nel!"

"Ummm... What?"

* * *

Sosuke Aizen opened his eyes. He blinked. Then he arose with a smile on his face. Today was going to be a good day.

He looked through his wardrobe, whistling as he did so. A sharp white outfit was put on, Kyoka Suigetsu was strapped to his belt, and he walked out of his room with a smile on his face. He passed a random hollow, who nodded respectfully at him. "Good morning, Lord Aizen."

Aizen briefly considered slaughtering the hollow for addressing him, but decided against it. After all, today was a **good** day. He strode towards Syazel-Apporo's lab, peeking in and continuing on his merry way.

He then stopped, turned, and walked back towards the lab, standing in the doorway as he addressed the hollow he saw. "Ulquiorra."

Ulquiorra turned and bowed. "Hello, Lord Aizen."

"Why do you have Ichigo Kurosaki strapped to a table in there?"

"Fanfiction, my Lord."

Aizen blanched. "Oh god, you're not going to rape him, are you? Is this Yaoi? Please tell me these idiots aren't making you do THAT again."

"No, Lord Aizen."

Aizen shrugged. "Alrightly then, carry on." He was about to leave when Ulquiorra stopped him.

"If you don't mind me asking, Lord, where are you off to?"

"Off to pillage an orphanage," the ex-captain replied. "Further my complex machinations. That kind of thing."

His fourth-ranked hollow nodded. "Farewell, Lord Aizen."

When Aizen was out of sight of the lab, he grinned. There were no complex machinations. He just wanted to slaughter some orphans.

Yes, today WAS going to be quite a good day

* * *

Renji tugged on Hisagi's sleeve. "Hisagi? Hisagi, I was right."

Hisagi shooed him away. "Yes, good for you." He knelt down to Nel's level. "Hello, little hollow girl. How would you like to help us foil a big, bad scary overlord by guiding us to the castle where he reigns supreme, and helping us rescue a vice captain and possibly Ichigo Kurosaki if we have time?"

Nel appeared to be considering this. Then she smiled brightly. "What's a hollow?"

You could almost see the shattered dreams that floated away from Hisagi's brain. He turned and walked back towards the others. "Great. Now how are we supposed to find the fortress?"

Kiyone pointed. "Isn't that it?"

True enough, there had been a bulding roughly the size of New York City behind them the whole time. Hisagi considered this. "Alright, let me rephrase this. How do we get in?"

A soft voice sounded behind them. "Perhaps I can help with that."

The group turned to see a tall man walked towards them. He was very pale, and had shoulder length black hair. Smiling faintly, he spoke. "Hello, my name is Shukuro Tsukishima. I am aware of a secret passage into the fortress. Might you need assistance?"

Hisagi squared his shoulders and marched up to the newcomer. "Why would you help us?"

"Let's just say I'm doing a favor for a friend." Tsukishima replied. "So? How about it?"

Hisagi slowly shook his head. "No, this seems too convienent. We're getting in on our own, thanks."

The tall man cocked his head to the side. "Oh? How's that working out for you?"

Hisagi paused to survey the group. Kiyone had activated Captain Ukitake and was polishing it lovingly. Yumichika was desperately applying antibiotic cream to his face to remove the small abrasions. Renji had somehow managed to find the only patch of quicksand for miles around, and despite the patch only being about eight inches deep, was drowning in it. And Ikkuaku? Ikkaku was currently engaged in a battle with one of the trees that dotted the landscape. What's worse, the tree was winning.

"Point taken. Welcome to our group, Mr. Shukuro."

Tsukishima smiled. "Charmed. So, the entrance is about a half-mile this way."

The resulting walk was uneventful. Hisagi chatted with Tsukishima. Despite the latter's seeming congeniality, Hisagi saw something he didn't like in the pale man's eyes. It almost reminded him of Aizen's. A sick, sadistic glee that brightened when someone's misfortune was mentioned. Also, he seemed like a pompous asshole-coincidently, exactly like Aizen.

Hisagi stopped. Every turned to stare at him.

"What are you waiting for, boss?" Ikkaku asked. "We're almost there!"

"No." Hisagi said, shaking his head. "Before we go any farther, I want to know what Tsukishima's powers are."

"Alright." Tsukishima said coyly. Without any further warning, he whipped out his sword and stabbed Ikkuku with it.

Before he could blink, Hisagi was behind him, Kazeshini at his throat.

Tsukishima glanced behind him. "Nice moves."

"Thanks. I've had a cold for the last few days, so I've been at much less my full strength."

Kazeshini shivered with amusement. "_Is that the excuse being made for why we didn't stand a chance against Yammy?" _

"Yes. Just go with it."

Before any hasty decisions were made, Ikkaku stood up. When he saw what Hisagi was doing, his eyes widened and he pushed Hisagi, knocking him away from Tsukishima.

Hisagi gathered himself. "What the hell, man?"

Ikkaku glared at him. "How dare you do that to my old friend Tsukishima! Everything I have is owed to Tsukishima! Tsukishima is my oldest and best friend!" He walked over to Tsukishima and grabbed Renji in a chokehold. "You are like a god to me, Tsukishima. Say the word, and I will sacrifice this sniveling peasant in your name."

Tsukishima sighed, then stabbed him again.

Kiyone smacked him. "What is it with you and stabbing people?"

"That's my power."

"Stabbing people?" Ikkaku asked, getting up and rubbing his chest. "I have that power too!"

"My weapon is called Book of the End." Tsukishima replied. "If I cut someone, I can insert myself into their past. I can have been with them the whole time, trained and learned with them, from the very beginning."

"Whoa, coooool." Renji said, staring adoringly at Tsukishima.

Yumichika, who had been uncharacteristically quiet this whole time, finally spoke up. "What if you cut an inanimate object?"

Without saying a word, Tsukishima walked over to a nearby tree and swung his sword at it. The tree fell, neatly cut in half.

Renji looked like he was about to have a orgasm. "OH MY GOD! Did you just go into the tree's past and arrange it so that it would fall if you hit it?"

The tall man cocked an eyebrow. "…No. I chopped it in half with my sword. You aren't very bright, are you?"

Renji looked away, embarrassed as Tsukishima continued. "If I did have the power to go into the past of inanimate objects, that would be a story-breaking power. I would gain near-omniscience, able to know and alter anything. If I had that power, then there's no way I would lose to anyone, ESPECIALLY not some prissy nobleman captain who fight with 'Hidden-freaking-flower techniques'". He gathered himself and glanced at Hisagi. "Satisfied?"

"Did you hurt Ikkaku at all?"

"He probably felt a good deal of pain, unfortunately."

"Then I'm satisfied!" Hisagi said happily, walking towards where Tsukishima said the entrance was. The rest of the group followed.

Tsukishima stopped when they reached a grove of trees. "The entrance is here. However, I must warn you that a fairly powerful menos grande guards this-."

Before he could finish, a colossal figure erupted from the ground. It was the menos, unsurprisingly. A white mask covered it's face in the shape of a ant's head. It leaned menacingly towards the group and roared "SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Hisagi reached for Kazeshini, but before he could wield it, he heard of cry of "Serve, Captain Ukitake!" and Kiyone bolted at the menos, wielding her statue.

The menos dove at her, its mouthparts gnashing, but she flashed stepped to the side, avoiding it, then jumped up and smashed Captain Ukitake into its head. Repeatedly.

The giant hollow flapped around, it mask shattered. It writhed shortly before coughing up blood and dying, apparently from tuberculosis.

Kiyone gave a thumbs up pose over the defeated menos's body, before flash stepping back to the group. Hisagi stared at her. "How did you do that?"

"Captain Ukitake has the power of irony."

"Of course he- I mean it- does." Hisagi replied tiredly. He winced, rubbing at his temples. "Hoo-boy. Fifty minutes into this mission and I already have a migraine. Alright, where's the damn entrance?"

Tsukishima blasted some sand way from a hill, and revealed a door set in it. "Right here." He opened it. "After you."

There was a clink of metal as Hisagi pointed his sword at Tsukishima. "Hilarious. Have you ever considered a stand up routine? You first."

The pale man shrugged, as he strolled into the tunnel. Ikkuaku was next, followed by Renji, Yumichika, Kiyone, and finally Hisagi. As darkness enveloped him, his thoughts began to wander. Yes, he did wanted to save Ichigo. Yes, he did want to rescue Kira. Yes, he did want fame, and recognition, and just one day when one of the captains told him they appreciated his hard work, and all shinigami saluted him, not just the ones in his division. But there was another thing he wanted, the true reason why he had come to Hueco Mundo. Just once, just for a little bit, he wanted to talk to Captain Tosen.

* * *

Aizen sauntered through his fortress, absolutely drenched in the blood of hundreds of orphans. He smiled. Today had been a excellent day.

He made his way back to the lab and took a seat next to Apporro and Ulquiorra. The latter glanced at him. "Busy day, Lord Aizen?"

Aizen nodded. "Oh yes. All according to plan. This orphan blood will-uh-allow me to prepare a trap to mentally break Ichigo Kurosaki in the battle, forcing him to confront his deepest fears. Of orphan blood. Yes, that is why I did it."

Ulquiorra gestured at the unconscious Ichigo. "You know, Lord Aizen, we have Ichigo right here, if you want to kill him."

Aizen got up and drew his sword. "Oh come now, Ulquiorra, I can't kill him. That's now how the story goes. Anyway, all my careful stratagems would be wasted. But I'm not against stabbing him a few times."

A cautionary hand was held up by Apporro. "Lord Aizen, there is a strange principle that protects us from harming him. It's really quite fascinating."

Aizen drew his sword back. "Oh, I don't think you need to worry about that." He sent it whistling through the air.

The chiffarobe hit the ground about six feet away from Aizen, almost at the exact same time as when his sword pierced Ichigo's shoulder. As the former captain strained his senses to the absoulute limit, he thought he heard a tiny voice whisper, "Crap! It's Aizen. He has Main Villain privileges!"

Another voice drifted past his ear. "Then what can we do?"

"Make popcorn?"

Aizen gave a evil smirk. Yes, today was truly a wonderfully superb day.


	4. In Which Drama Happens

Chapter 4

"_What the hell are you going to do, twerp? That Aizen guy's going to murder Ichigo!"_

"_Quit your bitching! He says he's not!"_

Back in the lab, Aizen drew back his sword and thoughtfully announced, "I changed my mind. I am going to murder Ichigo."

Ichigo, now fully conscious, glared at him. " Aizen! I will defeat you and save Orohime!"

Aizen stopped. "…who?"

"My friend with orange hair and large breasts who is easily manipulated and has the power to control time and reverse harm to anything! You kidnapped her from her flat on 4640 Karuka Lane and used her love for me as blackmail in order to force her to heal the Hogyoku from its currently damaged state!"

Without taking his eyes his eyes off Ichigo, Aizen beckoned with his finger. "Ulquiorra?"

"Yes, lord?"

"Go find Ichigo's friend with orange hair and large breasts who is easily manipulated and has the power to control time and reverse harm to anything. Kidnap her from her flat on 4640 Karuka Lane and used her love for Ichigo as blackmail in order to force her to heal the Hogyoku from its currently damaged state."

"Yes, lord."

Ichigo growled and thrashed against his restraints. "Time to bring out my secret powers! Super Ichigo Hollow Powers…. Go!"

Nothing happened.

"Ummm… Super Ichigo Hollow Powers… Activate?"

Still nothing.

" Hollow Powers… help?"

So much nothing happened, even Aizen was a little shocked.

"Please?"

A cricket chirped.

"We don't even HAVE crickets in Hueco Mundo!" Aizen said angrily.

Syazel Apporo shrugged. "Maybe it's a hollow cricket? Anyway, Lord Aizen, these restraints neutralize all of Ichigo's powers. "

"Whatever, back to killing." Aizen drew back his sword for the final time.

"_So, that popcorn's ready. What'd I miss?" _

"_Is it bad if Aizen kills Ichigo now?"_

"_It'd probably destabilize your reality, sending all who inhabit this one into an endless plane of eternal pain, where their shattered minds would drift endlessly without purpose."_

"…"

"_I mean, **I'd** be fine, but you… yeah, you'd be pretty much screwed."_

"_Ok, well, what the hell are we supposed to do? Can't we just hit him with some more cute shit?" _

"_Main Villain Privileges. Oh my god, it's like talking to a brick wall with breasts. Then again, all women in this place are like that, aren't they?"_

_*SLAP*_

"_Owww! Bitch! Well, I can't lock his MVP unless I have Warden."_

"_Ok…"_

" _I dropped him in the weird interspace thingy."_

" _Well, can't you, like access it remotely or something?"_

"_No, you idiot, of course I… I dunno. Hey Bailiff, can I access Warden remotely?"_

"_**Affirmative."**_

"_Huh. How about that. OK, do it."_

"_**Accessing Warden…. Loading…"**_

"_Alright!"_

"_**Progress at 1%. Estimated load time… 1 to 2.5 chapters." **_

" _SON Of A B-"_

"Itch!" Renji screamed, running around the tunnel. "I've got the worst itch Hisaaaaaaagi!"

" Shut up, Renji." Hisagi replied. "Creepy dude who I'm sure is going to betray us for his own sinister motivations, where does this tunnel take us?"

Tsukishima turned from where he was leading the group. "Underneath the rooms of the Privaron Espada."

"So, why can't they sense our Reiatsu?"

"Oh, they totally can! Did I not mention that?"

Before anyone could react, a tentacle burst down from the ceiling, grabbed a screaming Yumichika, and slithered back out.

Hisagi blinked. Then he turned to the group. "Who votes we leave him here?"

Kiyone's hand went up. Renji's did too, but it was only to scratch his armpit.

Hisagi sighed. "Fine. Ikkaku, you can go and save him. Yeah, that'll turn out well. Kiyone, since you're apparently awesome in this story, you stay with me to guard against creepy guy's eventual betrayal. Renji, do whatever the hell you want."

Ikkaku nodded and flash-stepped into the hole above them. Tsukishima shot a glance at at Hisagi. "Tell me, what makes you so sure I'm going to betray you?"

"It's simple, really." Hisagi replied. "You see-"

* * *

Ikkaku slid to a halt on the floor of the room. It was covered in flowers, pictures of bulls, soccer balls, and other stereotypical Spanish things the author doesn't feel like typing. So use your imagination. Geez, is it really that hard? For god's sake, if you didn't want to use your damn imagination, go watch a movie or something.

Ahem.

Needless to say, the room was very Spanish. And standing at the center of it was a fiendish looking man, dressed in white robes, a headpiece, and with horns coming out of his head. Also, he had snake-like tentacles coming out of his body, and grasped in the maw in one of them was an unconscious Yumichika.

Dordoni **Alessandro****Del** Socaccio grinned. "Hola, bitchola."

Ikkuaku, without wasting any time, drew his sword and pointed it at the man. "You look pretty strong. Maybe you'll actually give me a challenge. Tell me, what's your name?"

Dordoni drew himself up and preened proudly. "Me llamo Dordoni Alessandro Del Socaccio, y soy Arrancar cientecimo tercero."

Ikkauku blinked. "Um, okay. 'Me llamo Dordoni Alessandro Del Socaccio, y soy Arrancar cientecimo tercero' is kinda of a mouthful. Do you, like, have a nickname?"

"Que?"

"Mmmmmmm… Que just sounds weird. I'm gonna call you Pedro."

Dordordi threw Yumichika to one side and gathered his tentacles. "You are, how you say, muy estupido, si?"

Ikkuku leveled Hozukimaru and began to charge. "If estupido means what I think it does, then yes. I am very handsome."

With a flick of Dordoni's fingers, a tentacle swept along the floor and threw Ikkaku into a wall. He gave a evil little chuckle. "Is this it? Your strength?" Before Ikkaku could react, Dordoni was behind him, smashing through his guard with a kick that actually drove him into the floor. "Es muy triste."

Ikkaku pulled himself out of the floor with a snarl. "Look, Frenchy, or Pedro, or whatever the hell you are. I am not weak!"

Dordoni's next kick came close to shattering his skull. As he fell to the floor, Dordoni struck a pose. "You are weak and soft like el chocolate, boy."

A hand reached out and grabbed his leg. He looked down, and saw Ikkaku grab the shattered haft of his spear. "THAT! DOESN'T! MAKE! **ANY**! FUCKING! SENSE! BANKAI!"

When the dust cleared, Ikkaku, while not exactly looking healthy, wasn't heavily wounded and close to passing out anymore. Which, come to think about, was healthier than he was most of the time. He was also holding three ridiculously huge weapons- each one was bigger that one of Dordoni's snakes. As the arrancar watched, the dragon on the tip of the center weapon slowly filled up, till it was red all the way through.

Ikkaku walked towards him, emitting waves of power. As Dordoni gritted his teeth at the sheer waves of reiatsu emitting from the third seat, Ikkaku began to talk.

"I really hate that word. Weak. You see, the division to which I belong to, the eleventh, emphasizes strength over everything else. So I am strong. A lot of people think that getting hurt in fights means weakness. But it doesn't. Injuries are a badge of pride. And I've got a shitload of badges. So don't mistake the fact that you hurt me for weakness." He gave a twisted grin. "Cause what's a fight without some blood?"

Dordoni backed away slowly. "I-I do not understand! No comprendo! Your power level should barely be enough to take out a fraccion! Yet, you are now overpowering a former espada! This does not make any sense!"

All three of Ikkaku's blades rose up in the air. "I'll tell you a little secret, Pedro. Something only me and Renji knows." The blades began to overflow with energy. "This is a parody fanfic. It doesn't have to make sense!"

His weapons crashed down. Dordoni screamed. The air howled. The ground creaked. The ceiling sparked. Several other dramatic thinks happened, as the blades sunk home.

* * *

-and that's how I know you're going to betray us!" Hisagi said brightly.

Tsukishima looked thunderstruck. "W-wow."

Renji gave a slow clap. "What an incredibly fascinating and intelligent satirical speech on the role of designated villains in Bleach. That was humorous, intelligent, and, most importantly, bitingly true. I sure feel sorry for anyone who missed that speech in order to watch Ikkuaku somehow unrealistically win a rather short and stark fight scene against a opponent who is clearly stronger in canon. Well done."

Hisagi stared at him for the space of a long minute. "…What the hell are you on?"

Renji shrugged. "I lost track, but there's defiantly some psychoactive drugs in there. Bath salts too, so if I start to chew on someone's face, it's not my fault."

"Whatever, dude." Hisagi said, turning back to Tsukishima. "So, you wanna just get the betraying over already?"

Tsukishima stared at him, and shook his head. "Sorry to burst your bubble, assistant captain, but I'm actually on your side right now. It's for my benefit that your friend gets rescued, too."

"And why's that?" Hisagi asked. "Why's it so important to you that Kira gets rescued? What's in it for you?"

"None of your business, my friend. Just enjoy the help."

Kiyone tapped Hisagi on the shoulder. "Not to interrupt, sir, but Ikkaku's back."

Hisagi turned and stared in shock. "Ikkaku? You're alive?" He promptly had to dive out of the way of the spear Ikkaku threw at him. "What the hell?"

Ikkaku aimed a kick at Hisagi as he retrieved his weapon. "You're surprised I'm alive?" He scowled. "That means you thought you were sending me to my death, you prick!"

"N-now Ikkaku… It would have been a heroic death!" Hisagi said placatingly, backing away. "You would have gotten a fairly extensive footnote in the book I'm going to be writing about this. Honest!"

It took Tsukishima, Renji, and Kiyone to hold Ikkaku back. This was probably exacerbated by Hisagi sending rude gestures at Ikkaku while calling his names.

Up in the control room, a figure quietly listened to their argument on a hidden microphone. "Hmmph… My subordinate has become much more lax since I left the Soul Society. Arguing with his men like that, taunting them. I thought I taught him better than that.

The shadowy figure rose to his feet, pulling on a coat and strapping on his visor. A hollow poked his head out as the figure strode by. "Where are you going, sir?"

Former Captain Kamane Tosen flicked his sightless eyes back. "I'm going to have a chat with our visitors."

_Somewhere near Aizen…_

"_Ok, Bailiff. How we doing?"_

"_**Warden at… 34%."**_

"_Damnmit! Any ideas, babe?"_

"…_I'm going to pretend you didn't call me that. Ok, if you can't send my cuties onto him, can you distract him in some way?"_

"_Distract him? Ho-Oh! I know! I know! We can use Uryu! Quincies are super distracting from the premise of something. Hell, the more Quincies there are, the more someone would get distracted!"_

"_But… isn't this Uryu guy the last one?"_

"_Hah! Screw that! Let's just get some more!"_

Back in the laboratory, Aizen was drawing his sword back. Still. Ulquiorra raised a timid hand. "Sir? You've been posed like that for about 5 minutes. Is everything ok?"

"Shush, Ulquiorra." Aizen answered. "I'm savoring this moment. After all, I've been planning it since Ichigo was born."

"Of course you have, Lord." Ulquiorra said dutifully. "Are you done savoring?"

Aizen nodded. His fingers tightened on his sword, and he was FINALLY about to stab Ichigo, when the wall exploded- coincidently, right next to the other hole in the wall left by Naruto Uzumaki. A tall man stepped daintily into the room. He was wearing a white uniform, glasses, and a hat. Somehow, the outfit reminded one of genocide. For no apparent reason.

Aizen sighed, and put his head in his hands. "And this day was going so well, too." He turned to the newcomer, and plastered a smile on his face. "So, how can I help YOU?"

The newcomer sniffed and put his head up. "My name is Kirge Opie. I am a soldier of the glorious movement of-"

"NAZI!" Apporo yelled, pointing a finger at Opie. "HE"S A NAZI!"

Opie shook his head, confused. "No, strange effeminate hollow. I am a member of the Vandenreich-"

"Third Reich!"

"-VANDENREICH, here to pronounce my lord's summons on you shinigami and hollow abominations." He pulled out a sheet of paper and drew in a breath. "First, the one known as Aizen will surrender all of his power and command to the Jagdarme. Second, all hollows will-"

Before he could finish, Aizen shot him with a kido. The ex-captain blew lightly on his finger. "I stopped listening after 'surrender all of his power', Nazi."

The smoke cleared to show not a charred corpse, as Aizen had thought, but a very pissed off German. "Why does EVERYONE feel the need to interrupt me?" He leapt to the hole in the wall, turning back to face Aizen. "I will convey to my lord your refusal. Prepare for swift and utter retribution."

With that, he was gone. Aizen walked over to the hole, and looked out. His face clouded over. "Ulquiorra, Apporro. Forget Ichigo for now. We've got bigger problems."

Ulquiorra joined him out the window, looking at the unbelievably huge army camped outside. "Look at that, sir. A army of Quincies." He turned to Aizen. "Aren't they supposed to be all dead?"

"Yes, Ulquiorra."

"So wouldn't it be inpossible for them to muster a army this big without anyone noticing?"

"Yes, Ulquiorra."

"So… we're pretty much blown anyway, right lord?

"Did I ask for your opinion, Ulquiorra?"


	5. In Which Characters Are Introduced

Chapter 5

Hisagi reached up and punched Renji, knocking him away. "Dude. You're really trying to eat my face?"

Renji shrugged. "Bath salts are a terrible, terrible drug, Hisagi. To me, your face looks like a giant talking steak."

"Buuutt, you know it's my FACE, right?"

"Only on an intellectual level."

"Well, that explains it." Hisagi sighed, looking up ahead. He squinted his eyes, and found, to his delight, that he could see light at the end of the tunnel.

Literally speaking, not figuratively. The author wishes to remind you that Hisagi is in perfect health, although extremely annoyed and bleeding slightly from a bite mark above his left eyebrow.

Our merry band of misfits emerged from the tunnel, and found, to their shock, they were under a bright blue sky. The wind was cheerfully gusting, the sand was cheerfully billowing, and hollow birds were doing whatever hollow birds do cheerfully. Consuming the souls of lesser organisms, perhaps.

Renji turned to Kiyone. "Are you seeing this?"

"The sky?"

"No, that polka-dotted dancing raccoon." He frowned and rubbed his eyes. "Wow, Urehara really sold me a bad batch."

Tsukishima strode forward, speaking as he did. "Alright, my friends, I've fulfilled my part of the agreement."

"What are you talking about?" Hisagi asked. "You said you could get us into Los Noches."

Tsukishima nodded. "That's correct, I did. We're here. Inside the dome. You're welcome."

Kiyone pointed to the sky. "But, we're outside."

Ikkaku raised his hand. "Look, I realize I'm not much of a thinker. But Aizen can make about 10,000 people think that his sword or something is his dead body. He can replace sounds, images, any perception imaginable. Should ANYONE be surprised he could do something like make us look like we're outside?"

Hisagi looked at him with something almost like respect. "True. Very true." He swiveled his head to stare at Tsukishima. "Alright, here we go. What do you want in exchange? My firstborn son? Rights to rule over the soul society?"

Tsukishima sniffed. "Hardly." A single finger was extended at Hisagi. "That dagger in your pocket. The one you picked up in the Dangai. Give it to me."

Hisagi shuffled around in his robe, pulling out the odd weapon he found way back in Chapter 4. "You mean this? Whatever, take it. I'm sure it has no significance anyway."

Tsukishima pocketed it, and walked away with a small smirk. "It's been fun, gentlemen and lady. As a parting token, I'll give you some advice." He pointed a single finger upright. "Watch out."

The shinigami looked at one another, then dove aside as a hail of blades crashed down on the sand.

Hisagi was to first to rise. His eyes widened as he saw what he had feared. Tosen walked out onto the sands. He lifted his blade at the vice captain. "Shuhei. I neither know nor care why you are here. Out of respect for our former relationship, I shall allow you one chance to leave. Do so now."

Hisagi gritted his teeth as Tosen's spiritual pressure washed over him. "Tosen… Tell me! Why did you betray the soul society? Why leave our company?"

"Do you never listen, Shuhei?" Tosen asked, his blade weaving a restless spiral. "I seek the path of least bloodshed. That path is with Aizen."

"Is there any chance Aizen's morning activities involved killing a bunch of orphans?" Kiyone inquired.

Tosen turned to face her, then repeated, "I seek the path of least bloodshed. That path is with Aizen."

"I dunno, man, I think allying with a guy who kills orph-"

"I seek the path of least bloodshed. That path is with Aizen."

Kiyone sighed, then turned to Hisagi. "How exactly skewed is his definition of justice?"

"Well… He once killed a baker because his bagel got toasted, and he didn't want it that way. Something about how 'it was not just that he should suffer the indignities of a toasted bagel' or something"

Kiyone looked at him for a seond, then drew Captain Ukitake. "I'll hold him off, sir. You get Kira- I can feel his spirit energy in that building over there."

Hisagi brushed her back. "Negative, third seat. He would destroy you in seconds. I'll handle my ex-captain."

Kiyone gave him a look, then quickly hugged him and ran towards the building in question. Renji and Ikkaku followed. Tosen made a move as if to step in their way, but was blocked by Hisagi, who drew his sword and bellowed "Reap, Kazeshini!"

Tosen put a hand up to his face to ward off the stinging particles of sand. "Not bad, Shuhei. You've gotten stronger."

Hisagi answered that statement with a cold sneer, and moved Kazeshini into a guard position. He felt the sword's consciousness lightly drift against his own. "_zzzzzzz…Wha? Are we fighting?" _ The sword expanded it's awareness, and he felt it freeze. "_Oh. Hell. No_."

Hisagi shook Kazeshini. "C'mon, we can take him!"

"_Are you fucking insane? Do you have some kind of mental instability? Or a death wish? It's TOSEN. You know, Captain Tosen? The guy who could destroy you with both hands tied behind his back? Plus, now he's probably got some super hollow powers. How the hell are you going to win?"_

Hisagi shrugged. "Hopefully in some incredibly awesome and ironic way."

"…_What, like make a lot of noise and deafen him or something_?" Kazeshini vibrated excitedly. _"That sounds awesome! Let's cripple him for life!" _

Tosen, who had been watching Hisagi argue with his sword bemusedly, slashed his own through the air. "Enough, Shuhei. It is time." He gripped his blade and started forward. "Let us see what you have learned."

* * *

Somewhere near Aizen's lab…

"_God, I'm smart. Brilliant, even. One might even go as far as to call me a genius."_

"_One might, I guess. But then they'd be pretty damn stupid."_

"_You wound me, babe."_

"_Stop calling me that! Do you even know my name?"_

"_Sure, sure. It's, uhhh… Rukia?_

"_Not even close."_

"_Orohime? Soi Fon? Chad?"_

"…_Why would I be called Chad?"_

"_Why's Ichigo's hair bright orange? Isn't he supposed to be Japanese? Actually, come to think of it, why's your hair pink? Is the water here radioactive or something?"_

"_Hello. Getting a little off topic, are we not?"_

"_Sup, Tsukishima. Wait… did you get Warden?"_

"_Yeah. Here you go. One creepy reality bending dagger, all yours."_

"_YEEESSSS! THE MODERATOR IS BACK!"_

"_Great. So you can unlock Aizen's privileges or whatever, free Ichigo, and freaking tell us where Ginjo is."_

"_Hey, none of the sass, missy. I'm doing you a favor here. All I've asked, in return for me telling you where your boss is, is a little help with my job. Is that so bad?"_

"_Just finish this."_

"_Fine, fine."_

A panel over Aizen's head twitched, and a body carefully eased itself out of it. Dropping to the ground with barely a whisper, the mysterious dagger was carefully pulled out and whipped towards the back of Aizen's neck. Only to be met with a shield that popped up out of nowhere.

Aizen turned, and raised an eyebrow at the sheepish young man who stood there. He gulped. "Ummm… Hi." He rapped on the shield. "Wow, there was absolutely no foreshadowing for that at all."

With a flash, the young man was on the ground, three swords placed on his neck. Aizen stepped into the field of view and sneered at him. "It's been a really trying day all of a sudden. So don't blame me if I don't ask your name before killing you."

"Ahhh! Bailiff, help!" The young man cried, bringing a small black box on his wrist in front of him.

"**Affirmative." **The box crackled, forming a circular dome around him, separating the Espada's swords from his neck. He got to his feet, still keeping the shield around him, and than struck a pose. "Who am I, you ask?"

"No. In fact, I think I explicitly said that I didn't care."

"I am the Moderator of this world. And a few others, I guess. But here and now is the only one you need to focus on!" Moderator drew his dagger across his body threateningly. "Aizen- you threaten the grand plotline of this world. And my job is to stop you!"

Aizen stared at him for a few seconds. Then he began to laugh. It was a very good evil villain laugh- starting low, then gradually building in pitch and volume.

Moderator took a step back, running his fingers through his spiky brown hair. "Look, I know I'm new at this, but I'm pretty sure that you're not supposed to LAUGH when I give a Sweeping Declaration like that."

"Ohh, but it's funny." Aizen responded, wiping a mirthful tear from his eye. "This day was supposed to be a** good** day. And it started off soo well, too. The orphanage, the capture of the vice captain, even a victim tied up in my lab. But now…" He gestured around. "I've got Ichigo refusing to die in here, and a hoard of Nazis hell-bent on unleashing hollow genocide out there. Completely freaking murdering a piece of trash like you is unbelievable catharsis!" He lifted his sword up, even as Moderator opened his mouth to protest. "Shatter, Kyoka Suigetsu!"

* * *

Renji slammed his shoulder through the door of the prison, knocking it down as he tumbled inside. Kiyone followed, her eyes wide with surprise. "Did you just break down a steel door?"

Ikkuku tapped her on the shoulder, showing her a Soulipedia article he had brought up on his Soulpad. "It says here bath salts can give someone unbelievable strength."

A huge figure stirred in the corner. "Yes, this is true." It lumbered to its feet as a bottle was brought to its lips. "The synthetic compound known as 4-Methylenedioxypyrovalerone does grant enhanced strength as a side effect."

Kiyone stared at him. "Who are you?"

The figure belched, staggered, and shuffled into the light. "I am…oh, dear… The cero espada, Yammy Rialgo." He looked at the bottle of sake clenched in his massive fist. "This elixir appears to have some rather unfortunate side effects. Nausua, loss of coordination, and vomiting, to name a few."

"Woah." Ikkau said, impressed. "Is that Captain Kyoraku's special Sake? We use that to strip paint at the division headquarters!" He put his fist out. "Knuckle bump!"

Yammy looked at the fist, then swatted Ikkaku through the wall. He struggled to get up, but when he remembered that he was already shirtless and thus could not rip his clothes up in a show of fortitude, mercifully passed out.

Kiyone raised her Zanpakuto quickly. "Serve, Captain Ukitake!" With a flash of light, her sword transformed into a life-sized statue of the captain, and she ran at Yammy, clearly intending to bash it into his face.

Yammy dodged the first swing by simply falling on his face, and when Kiyone wound up for a second, he belched a cero directly at her. The energy impacted her sword… statue…club thingy, spinning her around. Yammy rose to give her a shattering kick, but was blocked by Renji. To the Espada's shock, he could not dislodge his foot from the iron grip it was in, even as the vice-captain whipped Zabimaru around and severed the appendage."

"Ahhhhhh! Sweet mother of Pavlov, that hurts!" Yammy yelled. He brought the bottle of sake to his lips, only to find he was all out. He dropped it, abruptly sobering up again. " Ummm… where am I?"

Renji grinned. "About to be in a world of pain from yours truly. Bankai!"

Yammy stared into the smoke. All he could see was a red light gathering. Sober Yammy being the simple person that he was, he decided the best course of action was to run at the light while screaming. For 'Intimidation." Needless to say, this did not work too well.

Renji turned back and helped Kiyone up even as the screaming Yammy was blasted through the wall by his Hikotsu Taihou. "Are you okay?"

Kiyone gratefully took his hand, rubbing her arm. "Yeah. That was really impressive. I wonder why bath salts aren't more popular, if they make you that much more powerful."

She abruptly had to hit Renji over the head with Captain Ukitake as he lunged at her face. "Oh yeah. That's why."

Ikkaku managed to get up and wandered in, stepping over the uncouncious body of Renji. "So where's Kira?"

Kiyone closed her eyes for a second, then opened them, looking confused. "I don't know.

He was in the cell over there until a minute ago." She strode over to the cell and bashed it down with Captain Ukitake.

The only thing inside it was a note. And a giant hole in the wall. It read,

_So sorry, Hisagi, but your princess is in another castle. Ha! Aizen has him. So, uhh, you better get to the Lab on the north side of the building. And if you happen to find a very handsome guy being attacked by Aizen, well, you should save him too! That'll help you! Somehow!_

_Sincerely, _

_Yamy Rialgo _

_Ps. On second thought, I've realized my name is spelled Y-A-M-M-Y. So you can just substitute that in._

_P.P.S. I am defiantly Yamy Rialgo, and you really should do this if you want to see Kira alive _

Kiyone sighed. "Great. Looks like the mission continues." She froze as she remembered something. "Wait, Hisagi!"

The party rushed to where Hisagi had fought Tosen. The sand there was a trampled mess, filled with little blades and shattered chain links. A series of footsteps lead away from the scene. And in the center of it was a bloody and broken Shuhei Hisagi.

* * *

A/N: Shocked? Well, Inconsistency is my middle name, after all. I mean, the updates aren't gonna be every couple of days, but it's summer, and they might come every week or so. But Moderator was just screaming to be introduced. So yes, he's an OC. Oh, don't look at me like that. I'm not sure when the idea for him poofed into my head. Maybe it was like the eighth time Ichigo recovered from certain death, or when he gained his eleventh new impossible power. I figured that someone HAD to be looking out for him up there. So the Moderator came. He's kinda a jackass, just because that's how I pictured him. And while the tools he uses are unimaginably strong, he's a rookie at this whole 'Protect the Plot' thing. So this should be fun. Also, I'm sure you guys are wondering 'What happened to all the chapters?" Haha, don't worry. I just figured the first 3 or 4 were too short, so I combined. All of the goodness is still there. So read, review, and enjoy-Firefx56


	6. In Which Diversions Occur

Chapter 6

"Hisagi!" Kiyone screamed, running over to him. "Say something!"

Hisagi's lips moved gently. A faint phrase was heard. Kiyone bent her head next to his mouth. "Please, Shuhei! Tell me what it is!"

The voice that came from Hisagi's lips sounded as if it had been beaten, starved, and then dragged through the mud and stomped on. "Tell Renji…"

"What!? What should I tell him?"

"…If that idiot tries to give me mouth to mouth, I will shove my sword in a place where the sun doesn't shine."

Kazeshini vibrated weakly next to him. "_Count…me… out… you prick_."

Kiyone turned away from Hisagi's now unconscious form, just in time to be knocked aside by Renji. "Stand aside, third seat! I know exactly what to do." He tilted Hisagi's head back and opened his mouth. "It's time to make a lot of shippers very, very happy."

Ikkuku grabbed the back of his robe. "I swear to god, dude, I can't understand half the shit that comes out of your mouth. He's just unconscious." The bald third seat raised an eyebrow. "Weren't you unconscious too a second ago?

Renji smirked. "Fool. The power of friendship knows no bounds! If one of my dear ones is in danger, for the sake of the bounds we share, there's no hurdle I can't overcome!"

"… You're not my friend, man." Ikkaku said.

"Yeah, we pretty much hate you" Kiyone agreed.

Hisagi woke up just long enough to mutter, "Go die in a hole." before slipping back into sweet, sweet unconsciousness.

Renji sniffed pitifully. "At least Yumichika loves me."

Everyone looked around. Then, as one, all heads turned to Ikkaku, who was intently studying the ground by his feet. Kiyone was the first to speak. "Ikkaku? Bud?"

Ikkuku swallowed. "Yeah?"

"Did you, by any chance, leave Yumichika in the hall of the creepy Spanish guy?"

Ikkuku nodded.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" Kiyone yelled. "Yumichika is a valuable member of a squad and our comrade! Why would you just leave him there?"

"Weelllll," Ikkaku said, kicking idly at the dirt. "it's definitely not because I got so wrapped up in my epic ultimate duel with a espada that I just forgot him. Nope, definitely not that."

Kiyone opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. Then opened it again. Then closed it again.

"What? None of you said anything!" Ikkaku whined. "It's like when you leave kids in cars on hot summer days and they get third degree burns. It's no one's fault! It just happens."

"…I can't do this." Kiyone muttered. " I can't deal with this ragtag group of misfits. It's just impossible." She turned and gave Hisagi a swift kick in the ribs. "Yo! Hisagi! Wakey wakey. Be the leader you were born to be. Lead us. Became famous. I believe in you, sir!"

Hisagi dribbled a little.

"…okay, it's up to me!" She paced a distance away. "The only real question I have is, why would Tosen leave Hisagi alive?"

Ikkaku shrugged. "Maybe out of some sense of mercy?"

FLASHBACK

"_Ah, Hisagi, there you are." Tosen said, cleaning the blood of his sword. "There's a dead baker in there. I need you to cover for me, make it look like an accident."_

_Hisagi went into the bakery. He came out a second later, looking distinctly green. "I don't think it's possible for that many cuts to be accidental… what happened to him, Captain?"_

_Tosen began walking away. "He will no longer serve injustice. The horrors of a toasted bagel will never be served on a poor citizen again. Justice has prevailed, Hisagi!"_

"I don't think so." Renji muttered. "If I had to guess, he was called away for something more important."

Kiyone looked at him. "Huh. A coherent response, and relevant! I'm impressed, Renji. The only question is, what could be so much more important then a attack on Hueco Mundo by the Soul Society?"

* * *

Aizen fell back, wiping a bead of sweat off his eyebrow. He was well and truly annoyed. Despite the fact that the kid had literally no fighting abilities to speak of, and his attacks took the form of simply spinning around in a circle with the sword, this fight was far, far too difficult. Whenever his sword leaped in with earth-shattering force to knock the Moderator's aside, his stroke was met with a equal one, the sword itself moving with a strength that surpassed even his own. And even in the rare instances where the weapons had met, his weapon sent out little loops of reiatsu that ensnared his sword and tried to pull it out of his hands.

Ulquiorra lunged at the moderator, his hands glowing with unearthly energy, before simply bouncing off the force field emanating from the black box on the Moderator's wrist. "Lord Aizen, you must take care of this distraction! We have far more pressing matters on our hand!"

Aizen sighed and nodded. "Fine. Shatter, Kyoka Suigetsu."

The Moderator's eyes glazed over and the sword fell limply from his hands. "Ha! My powers are too great for you, I see! Kneel before me! If you strike me down, I will rise again, only stronger!"

Aizen sighed and sent his sword sweeping towards the kid's head. Before he could finish this pointless fight, the Moderator's sword leapt back into his hand and with a powerful blow, sent his own backwards.

As the former captain leapt away, Ulquiorra stepped next to him. "My lord? Isn't he stuck in an illusion?"

Aizen wiped the sweat from his brow. "Yeah, he thinks he's using the power of heart or something to overcome my evil. Typical hero shit."

"I am the hammer of justice that guides the light of tomorrow to a bright new dawn!"

"Sure you are, kid." Aizen said, not even bothering to glance in the Moderator's general direction. "Your light is shining through my darkness, ooohhh." He turned to the various Espada in the room. "I don't think the weird guy's any threat. The problem is his equipment, that sword and the box thingy. They're acting on their own, and they seem to have a dangerous amount of power that makes crushing him quite annoying."

Ulquiorra looked at him. "Well, what do you sugest?"

"What do we do when we have a giant bug?" Aizen asked, a smirk creeping onto his face. "We use a bigger flyswatter. **Ban-"**

_**ALERT**_

Aizen froze. "What was that?"

Syazel peered over his shoulder. "It appears to be the little box on his wrist. It's making some kind of alarm tone."

_**ALERT**_

_**HOST IN DANGER**_

_**IMPLEMENTING PROTOCOL Q: DISTRACTION FROM MAIN PLOT**_

Aizen raised an eyebrow. "Protocol Q? What the hell is that?"

And then the world exploded.

* * *

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" screamed a massive man in a cloak who had just fallen from the sky. 'I bet you didn't see this coming!"

Hisagi managed to roll over. "Kiyone?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Did a German luchadore just fall from the sky and land in a tree?"

"Yes, sir."

"So I'm not hallucinating?"

"No, sir."

"Shame." Hisagi rolled over. "I'm slipping back into unconsciousness caused by blood loss. Wake me up when things start making sense again."

Kiyone drew her sword, but was stopped when Renji stepped in front of her. "No, Kiyone. You need to take Ikkaku and go and find Yumichika. I'll handle this."

"…Renji, he looks strong. Are you sure you can take him?"

Renji smirked. "Please, look at him. He's clearly a joke character, here to spout a few racist and predictable one-liners involving pro wrestling before he gets beaten into the ground. Maybe he'll smash a few side characters at first, show he's like a lethal joke character or something, but I just don't think that's very likely." He turned to face the luchadore, who was trying to escape the tight embrace of the tree, and drew his sword. "Besides, he's clearly a hero. So to beat him, we need a villain."

Kiyone blinked. "Renji, you're not a villain in any definition of the word. Literally. Aizen, sure. Any of the espada, okay. Even Ichigo, because you know there was that whole attack Soul Society thing. But you? Not even close!"

"Hey, I'm a villain!" Renji whined, turning to face her. "I fought agaist the Soul Society! I battled Captain Byakuya!"

"To save your childhood friend from unjust execution! If you didn't fight him, you'd be a villain!"

Renji scowled. "Take Hisaki and Ikkaku, get Yumichika, and save Kira. You can't get sidetracked from our misson. God knows that's happened enough over the last few chap…days. Last few days. I can do this."

"Okay… be safe." Kiyone said. She flash stepped towards Hisagi, grabbed him, and with Ikkaku in tow, headed off towards the lair of the Privaron Espada.

Renji watched them go, than turned his attention to the hefty German who had fallen out of the tree. "So… name, powers, and gimmick."

The luchadore struck a pose. "I am Sternritter 'S', the Suuuuuppppeeerrrstar! Mask! De! Masculine!"

Renji stared at him. "Your name is…what?"

"Mask de Masculine! The Superstar!"

Renji's shoulders began to shake, than heave. Mask glanced questioningly at him. "Are you crying tears of defeat, villain? Are you trembling with fear at my manly physique and muscles and massive crotch bulge?"

Renji threw his head back, and started laughing. He laughed for a long time. "I've found him. I've found the one person in this story that's more ridiculous than me!" He grinned at the Sternritter. "I bet the author's not even trying to go OOC on you, you fucking moron!"

Mask looked at him questioningly. "Are we going to fight, villain?"

The soul reaper's sword came crashing down. "Come at me, bro. Time to show you who the real joke character in this story is."

* * *

AN: Hey, guys. Been a while, huh? ...Please don't hurt me, it's only been a year and a half. The reasons I stopped writing are varied, but for now, I'm back. Also, I changed up the formatting a bit, so if it seems shorter and the chapters different, that's why. This is one is short as hell, I know, but it was the only way I could write the damn thing. Anyways, it's nice to be back.-_Firefx56_


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